


A Prayer to Let Me Go

by headcannonball



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Castiel, Future Fic, God Kevin, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-03-04
Packaged: 2018-01-14 12:44:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1267060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headcannonball/pseuds/headcannonball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Metatron’s defeat does not bring Dean and Cas the peace they were hoping for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean shielded his eyes from the blinding flash of light. When it faded, Metatron’s minion lay on the ground, angel blade still stuck in his chest. Enan pulled it free and wiped it on the dead angel’s shirt. She began ordering the other angels with her to start work on the spell. 

“Sam! Cas!” Dean shouted, looking around the warehouse. Bodies were scattered around the floor in between the stacks of crates and containers. Most of them were Metatron’s people. 

“We’re fine,” Sam’s voice responded. 

He let out a held breath as both his brother and Cas walked out from behind a wall of crates. Neither looked any worse for wear. 

“Are there any left?” Cas asked as cleaned off his own blade.

“No, we got them all,” he answered and placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Nice moves out-”

“Castiel,” Enan called him over, interrupting Dean’s compliment.

Cas squeezed Dean’s arm before joining her. She and three other angels were discussing something quietly among themselves while the rest of their brothers and sisters bustled around them.

“Do you think the spell will really work? Really get them back into heaven?” Sam asked.

“I don't know. Kevin said it would and he’s basically God now, right?” Dean couldn’t keep himself from watching Cas’ back as he spoke. Occasionally he nodded or shook his head in response to Enan and the others.

“Yeah. I’ll be glad when all the angels are back where they’re supposed to be,” Sam said, folding his arms across his chest. 

Dean nodded. “I can’t wait to get home. You, me, and Cas can have a Staycation, you know what I mean?”

“Really? A Staycation?” Sam laughed.

He chose to ignore the implied dig at his vocabulary and answered in earnest, “We deserve it; staying up late watching TV, sleeping in till noon, eating junk food, never getting out of our pajamas.”

Sam chuckled and then jerked his chin towards the angels as Enan started gesticulating more forcefully, dark coils of her hair bouncing with every movement. Cas stiffened.

“What do you think they’re so worked up over?” Sam wondered. 

“Beats me. I just wish they’d hurry up so we can get out of here.”

From what Dean could tell, Enan was really laying into Cas. He did not envy his friend. She was terrifying even as an ally. Dean had made the mistake of calling her Scary Spice once. He had been sixty-five percent sure she was going to smite him right then and there. 

Finally, the group broke and returned to drawing sigils and placing bowls of components. Cas left them and walked slowly back to him and Sam. Something was wrong. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes seemed lifeless. Dean felt the pit in his stomach opening up.

“Wow, she really tore into you,” Sam said sympathetically. 

The angel didn’t respond, he just looked at Sam and then back at Dean. He could already see the apology in his eyes. 

“What’s wrong, Cas?” Dean tried to prepare himself.

“Dean,” Cas began in the tone that always preceded bad news. “I can’t come with you.”

“What?” Sam said for them both.

“Enan said I was to return with them to heaven, that Kevin, God, was going to give me new grace, and that I must help bring order to the chaos I caused,” Cas explained. 

“What?” Sam repeated.

“I told them they didn’t need me, but Enan insisted-”

“No,” Dean finally managed to speak, his voice hoarse. “No, you’ve given them enough already. You’re getting rid of the grace and you’re coming home with us.” 

He spoke as if his word was law. Nothing else would be accepted. Sam nodded in agreement.

“I can’t,” Cas half-pleaded, as if he wanted Dean to let it go. “I don’t have a choice.”

“Bullshit, you always have a choice,” Dean said, anger rising in his voice.

“Dean,” Sam tried to calm him, but Dean would have none of it.

“You’ve done everything they asked, they can’t-”

“God commanded it,” Cas almost yelled to silence him. He continued, quieter, “I cannot rebel against divine word.”

Dean could pinpoint the exact moment his heart broke. He wanted to say no again, to say he couldn’t, to shout, but what was the point? Cas was going to be sealed up in heaven and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He had imagined the rest of his life with Cas in it. All the chances to live and learn and tell him how he felt. Now he only had now.

He hung his head for a moment and when he brought it up, there were tears in his eyes. Sam walked away.

“So this is goodbye?” Dean asked, throat burning.

Cas could only nod. 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen. You were supposed to come back with me. We were supposed to be hunters together. We were supposed to-” A tear fell then.

Dean wiped at his cheek. “I always thought, after things settled down a little, that you and I...”

He motioned between them, but his throat constricted and he couldn’t manage to finish it.

Cas tenderly took his hand. “I know. I did, too.”

It would have been easier to end it there, to speak no more and spare what little pain could be spared. But Dean knew all too well what happened when things were left undone. Because if he couldn’t do it now it could never be put to rest and you can’t salt and burn regret. So he said it.

“I love you.”

Cas threw his arms around him and held him tight. Dean buried his head in Cas’ neck and clung to him like it was the last time he would ever see him because it was. He was grateful Cas didn’t say the words back to him. He wouldn’t be able to handle hearing them echo in his mind. It would consume him, more than the memory of Cas pressed up against him, holding him, breath soft on his ear. They stood embracing until Enan said it was time. 

As they started to pull away, Dean’s brain warned him that what he was about to do would only create torment for himself down the road, would only make it that much harder to try and move on. It was futile, however. Dean’s heart had already decided; better to have this memory to cherish, consequences be damned. Leaning back in, he kissed Cas. His lips were soft and just how Dean had imagined. He let go. 

Cas stared at him, eyes wide. Then he leaned his forehead against Dean’s for just a moment before turning to hug Sam, who had hovered a few steps away. Sam’s eyes were watery as they said their farewells and Cas left to join the ring of angels. When they began to chant, Sam grabbed Dean’s shoulder, partially for comfort and partially to keep Dean from running into the circle. The last thing Dean saw before the spell completed was the tear sliding down Castiel’s cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel was tired. He was tired of his brothers and sisters; their bickering and accusations and constant reminders of each others’ sins. He was tired of having to mediate, of bearing the brunt of their ire, of struggling for every inch of peace. He was even tired of his grace; how it pulsed and shone, filling his vessel up till there was only room for the barest fragments of emotion. Castiel had to hold so tightly to those remaining shards of humanity, it was exhausting. But most of all, he was tired of being away from Dean. 

He missed hunting with him. Never did he have a better partner; they seemed to be able to read each other’s next moves, know what the other needed. He missed riding in the Impala with him afterwards, talking and joking while they drove to a diner or back to the bunker. He just missed Dean; his voice, his smell, his taste.

Dean’s kiss had surprised him. He gave Dean less affection than he wanted to thinking it would be easier for them both. It seemed to be a mutual understanding, but when Dean’s warm lips touched his for the briefest of moments, Castiel knew that even an eternity would not snuff the memory out. He was given a the smallest experience of what it would have been like with Dean immediately before being cut off from him forever.

In the past, Castiel had found peace and solace in a sun bright, verdant park. Now that heaven was tarnished by memories he’d rather forget. Instead, when he needed some space, he retreated to Naomi’s white room. Heaven was his prison now, wandering the landscapes of others’ paradises presented a facade of freedom. He’d rather know it for what it was instead of pretending. In this room Naomi stole his free will. She tortured him here. However, the room also held a sort of bittersweet significance to Castiel. This was the place Metatron took his grace from him. Here was where he became human. 

Castiel sat in one of the chairs and stared at the wall. If he could sleep, he would have. Sometimes he tried. Can angels dream? He wondered. 

“You spend a lot of time here, Cas,” Kevin’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He turned towards his Lord and smiled as waves of peace washed over him.

“Ascha,” Castiel spoke in Enochian. To feel divine presence in heaven again filled Castiel with an unbridled joy that even longing for Dean Winchester couldn’t quell. This was the only thing that could soothe his ache. 

“Kevin,” he corrected kindly. “I know I’m new to this whole God thing, but I’m still me.”

“Of course,” he pushed a seat out for the prophet-turned-Almighty to sit. 

“How am I doing so far?” Kevin asked, earnestly.

Castiel grinned, “I know a lot of the others thought with you being back it would be the same as it was in the beginning. Your insistence that we ‘sort out our own shit’ has caused disappointment from those hoping to give back their free will. I approve.”

Kevin laughed, “I suppose I could just order them all to get along.”

“There’s much they need to work through, but it wouldn’t hurt for you to be more hands on,” Castiel conceded. 

“Noted,” he smiled and Castiel realized just how young Kevin had been when Gadreel killed him. He would say it was a shame, but now nothing could hurt Kevin and he was free to do as he pleased. He wished the same thing could be said about himself. Castiel’s smile faded slightly.

“Why do you come here so often, Castiel?” Kevin asked softly, before quickly adding, “And don’t lie. I’ll know it. God, remember?”

Cas breathed a laugh before looking down at his hands in his lap. 

“It’s peaceful here, quiet. And honest. And here is where I was made human.”

“That’s important to you,” Kevin pressed.

“Yes, humanity opened my eyes, taught me so much. It changed me,” he explained. “I learned things about myself...and others.” 

“You miss Dean,” Kevin voiced what Castiel could not. It wasn’t a question. He knew without asking, of course, but God loved to talk to his children.

Castiel nodded. “He doesn’t pray to me anymore.”

“But he prays to me,” Kevin said, corner of his lip curled up ever so slightly as Castiel’s head shot up. “Do you want to know what he prays about?”

He did, but more than anything he wanted to hear his voice again. Perhaps just knowing what he said would be enough, the voice might come through in his words. 

Kevin didn’t wait for a response. “He prays for you, Cas. He pleads for your safety up here, that the other angels ‘won’t try to kick your feathery ass’.” 

Castiel couldn’t keep from laughing silently. That sounded like Dean all right.

“But when he gets really drunk,” Kevin continued. “He prays that you come back to him.”

Even when there was no hope of return, Dean still could not give up, could not let go, not completely. That also sounded like him. 

Castiel swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn’t know what to say in response, with the God that commanded him here sitting not two feet from him. The God whose divine presence he had longed for. The God he loved.

“I know you can do good in heaven, that’s why I brought you back, but I see the pain you hide away. I understand it. So I ask you, what would you do?”

The answer sprang from his mouth with surprising ease, “I would fall.”

“You’d do that for Dean?” Kevin looked at him sideways. 

“No, I would do it for myself.”


	3. Chapter 3

They were getting back from a hunt just as the sun started to set. Dean took the well-known turns back to the bunker with a lead foot and let his Baby eat up the last few miles. Sam had kept them out on jobs almost constantly since Cas left and he rarely let Dean alone. Something about taking care of his big brother during this difficult time. Apparently the first night after Kevin’s spell took all the angels back up to heaven Dean gave Sam quite a scare. He didn’t remember what happened, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t grateful for the outcome.

As tempting as drinking himself into oblivion had been initially, the distance had given him some clarity. Cas was gone but the world wasn’t over. He was still sad and did indulge in some heavy drinking when Sam gave him his space, but his desire to end up dead in a ditch somewhere had subsided. Everything hurt like hell, but when Sam tried to help, Dean let him. 

“So I’m thinking we hit the road again tomorrow night, there’s been a string of odd events in Culbertson, Nebraska,” Sam said, scrolling down the page on his phone screen with his thumb.

“Come on man, we’ve been away for weeks,” Dean said slumping towards the steering wheel. “At least let me have a couple of days of hot showers and my own bed.”

Sam looked at him out of the corner of his eye and Dean knew what he was thinking. They had been to the bunker and back out so quickly that there hadn’t been any time to really clear the place of signs of Cas. It was one of the reasons Dean was so keen on staying, actually. 

“Uh, ok, sure. Listen, why don’t you drop me off at the front before parking in the garage,” Sam said putting his phone away at last.

“Oh, don’t do that,” Dean shook a finger at him.

“What?” Sam feigned ignorance.

“That whole sneaking-around-and-cleaning-up-all-traces-of-Cas-so-I-won’t-see-them thing.” Dean’s chest tightened even saying his name.

He could practically hear Sam’s jaw clench. 

“I’ll be all right,” he reassured his brother. He wasn’t entirely certain if he believed himself.

“You’re sure?” 

“Yeah,” Dean said, more lightly than he felt, wincing when he heard how false it sounded. “Besides, I kind of want to do it myself. I think it might help.” He hoped it would anyways. 

“Really?” Sam seemed skeptical.

Dean took a breath and nodded. “Yeah, it can be like a goodbye.”

Sam pondered this in silence for the last minute of their trip. 

Finally, the bunker was in sight, just as twilight settled in.

“Well, I won’t move anything, but let me off here anyways so I can-what the hell?!” Sam exclaimed. 

“What?” Dean glanced back up from his gas meter and was startled to see a man standing outside the bunker, back turned to them. The headlights cast a bright glow around him. 

Dean pulled up, turned the car off, and they both got out. With the headlights off and the sun set, Dean couldn’t see him very well, but he swore he recognized that tan coat. His heart beat faster. When he shut his car door, the man turned around.

“Cas?” Dean choked out.

“Hello, Dean,” came the familiar sound of his friend’s voice.

“Oh my god,” Sam breathed.

“Cas!” Dean didn’t have far to go, but it felt like an eternity before he reached Cas. He didn’t hesitate to catch him up in a fierce embrace, which was returned with equal vigor. 

Suddenly a horrible thought crossed his mind and he pulled back, holding Cas at an arms length.

“Wait, you can’t be here. You’re in heaven locked up with the angels. If you’re down here that means something’s wrong or-” Dean wanted to believe Cas was back so badly, but the facts painted a grim picture. 

“Nothing is wrong.” Cas placed a soothing hand on Dean’s forearm. 

“Then how?” 

“I fell,” Cas said, looking more serene than Dean had seen him in a long time.

He held his hand up between them. “Fell? Like-”

“I’m human. Permanently.”

He had a million more questions but those could be asked later. Instead of wasting words, he simply gripped the front of Cas’ coat and pulled him into a kiss. He clutched the side of Cas’ face as Cas wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed him back. Dean let go of the jacket in his fist and placed a soft palm against Cas’ other cheek, tilting his head. They lost themselves in the moment, lips pressed together.

That’s when Sam cleared his throat.

Dean stepped away sheepishly and Sam gave Cas a bear hug, laughing and welcoming him back. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of Cas as as Sam offered to take the car to the garage and the two of them entered the bunker alone. His heart pounded and his hands shook with the key at the lock. Cas was here and here to stay. 

“It’s good to have you back,” he said over his shoulder to Cas when they descended the stairs. 

“It’s good to be back.” Cas smiled at him. They stood at the foot of the steps, waiting. The effort it took for Dean not to pin Cas to the wall and kiss the crap out of him was tremendous. He should get a medal. Before things got that far, however, Dean needed to clear up a few things first.

“So, everything in heaven is all right?” he asked.

“Yes, things are going as well as can be expected. When I left the fighting was still bitter, but only verbally. Kevin will step in before it gets violent,” he explained. 

“You didn’t fall because they hurt you, did you?” He worried. 

“No, it was nothing like that,” he said, reaching down to hold Dean’s hand. “But your concern is touching.”

The contact and the closeness made Dean’s head spin a little. 

He cleared his throat. “So, uh, why did you fall?”

“For this. This human life. I missed it. I missed you,” he said, eyes glancing down at Dean’s mouth.

“Yeah?” 

Cas edged closer to him, till his face was inches from Dean’s. 

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Dean figured that was all he really needed to know. If Cas wanted to elaborate he was certainly welcome to. Later. Right now nothing could keep Dean from closing the gap between them and showing Cas how much he missed him back. He somehow managed to get out the words, “Me too,” between the movement of their lips together, the drag of their tongues, the nip of their teeth. 

Hands that were previously caught up in lapels and sleeves found themselves sliding to other places. Cas had greedy hands and Dean was all too happy to let him have whatever he wanted. He wasn’t so selfless either and was pleasantly surprised at how muscular Cas was under all those baggy layers of clothing. It was a shame how long that trenchcoat had kept this secret. Grabbing a handful of firm ass caused Cas to roll his hips. Dean was already straining in his jeans and another quick grind confirmed that Cas was just as hard. 

He had only meant to kiss him a little. Okay, a lot. Either way, Dean had planned on stalling, taking it slow for Cas’ sake. He wanted to throw Cas in his bed immediately, but the last time the guy had sex he got murdered. It made sense to Dean if he didn’t want to move too fast. Cas, however, had other plans. 

Things took on a new energy when Cas yanked Dean’s belt open. Heartfelt kisses in the foyer became much dirtier as Cas dipped his hand under Dean’s waistband and squeezed him over his boxers.

“Ffffuck,” Dean sighed and threw his head back. 

Cas leaned in close and brushed his lips against Dean’s neck. 

“You want it bad, don’t you?” Dean meant it as a joke, but it sounded filthier in his breathless state.

“Mmmm, I’ve waited long enough, besides,” he gave Dean another squeeze, “seems like you want it just as bad.”

Dean found Cas’ lips with his own again and slid his hand around front to rub Cas through his pants. 

“Haa,” Cas huffed and he pressed himself further into the touch, “Dean, take me to bed.”

The urgent sincerity of Cas’ words made his head swim. He would have teased him about his phrasing, but honestly it made him all sorts of hot and bothered. The next few minutes was a combination of Dean pushing Cas backwards while Cas pulled him by his waistband towards Dean’s room. He was pretty sure he locked the door behind him. 

They kicked shoes and socks away, peeled coats and shirts off, fingers fumbling at buttons, mouths seeking skin to taste and suck and lick. Dean couldn’t decide what to do first with Cas. Everything was new. He’d never wanted to be so completely with someone before. It was kind of overwhelming. And then Cas shoved him onto the bed.

He landed on his shoulder blades and bounced on the mattress. Cas’ hands followed and tugged Dean’s jeans and boxers off and suddenly he was completely naked. He could feel the heat spreading across his cheeks. Cas stared at him, a predatory intensity in his eyes. Wordlessly, he unbuckled his belt and took off the last bits of clothing until he stood bare before Dean.

All moisture seemed to leave Dean’s mouth as he gaped at Cas; the smoothly muscled curves over his sturdy frame, cock hard with beads of precome already dripping down, thick thighs that Dean just wanted wrapped around his head. Cas did not shy away from Dean’s gaze; he basked in it. Sitting up, Dean hooked one hand behind Cas’ knee and ran the other up a strong thigh, over his cock, across his stomach and up to his chest. Cas closed his eyes and sighed.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dean said in quiet awe.

Cas looked down at him and smoothed a hand through his hair. 

“So are you.”

Dean dragged him onto the bed with him then and they spent time exploring each other with fingers and palms, lips and tongues. Cas was stretched out on his back, and Dean laid on top of him, hand reached down between them, stroking their slick cocks together. Cas bucked his hips up into Dean’s fist and clutched at his shoulders. 

Part of his mind still couldn’t believe Cas was here, in his bed. It was all so good; the feeling of skin on skin, shared heat, dripping sweat. Breaths and moans and all the sounds in between mingling together, rising and dropping in pitch and volume as they discovered how to touch each other. How to love each other. 

Cas came first, warm liquid spilling onto his stomach and over Dean’s cock. The noise he made was almost too much for Dean. Hearing Cas have an orgasm at his hand was just about the hottest thing he’d ever experienced. He was about to follow Cas’ example, when he wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist and pulled him in a close embrace.

Dean held him, thinking that’s all he wanted, but Cas put his lips beside Dean’s ear and murmured, “I want you inside me, Dean.”

He swore, almost losing it right there. It didn’t help when Cas started gently biting his ear lobe.

“I’m not- Cas I’m so close and I haven’t ever…”

“Do you not want to?” Cas asked, concerned. “We can wait-”

“No, I want to,” he blurted. “Let me get-hang on.”

He left Cas on the bed to rummage through the top drawer on his dresser to grab the bottle of lube he kept there. The lull in contact did nothing to calm him down, especially when he saw Cas, messy, spent, and spread-legged, waiting for him. He couldn’t help but give himself a few tugs at the sight. 

Kneeling between Cas’ legs, he made sure to apply plenty of the bottle’s contents to both of them as he took the time to get Cas ready. It wasn’t a quick process and he was aching as he felt Cas stretch around his fingers, heard him whine when he slid them in and out of him. 

“Please, Dean,” Cas lifted his hips, even as Dean’s fingers were still inside him.

That was all the encouragement he needed. He lined his cock up and pushed one of Cas’ legs up. Cas let his head drop back on the pillow, his mouth open, chest rising and falling with shuddering breaths. He went slowly and neither of them could keep quiet as Dean entered him. Cas moaned Dean’s name while Dean groaned and swore. Nothing could ever prepare him for the feeling of sinking into the man he loved. 

He leaned down and swept Cas up in a desperate kiss as he slid all the way inside him. Cas tangled his fingers in Dean’s hair at the back of his head, fingertips pressing into his scalp. He was starting to feel dizzy. Everything was Cas and him. Nothing else existed. It only took a few thrusts before he was coming deep inside Cas; a cry on his lips, face buried in the crook of Cas’ neck. 

As his breathing calmed, Cas stroked his hair and peppered his temple and brow with lazy kisses, making contented sighs as he rubbed Dean’s back. They lay there for several minutes, holding each other before Dean could even move. 

“Fuck, Cas,” he mumbled finally.

“Hm?” 

“We should have done that a long time ago,” he said shifting so he was above him.

Cas grinned and Dean promised to himself he would do anything to make him smile like that forever. 

“We’ll have to make up for all that lost time,” he said as he smoothed the pads of his thumbs over Dean’s scruff and pulled him into another kiss. 

It was long and languid and made Dean’s heart jump in his chest. Eventually, he rolled onto his side and Cas moved with him. They lay facing each other, hands running along each other’s heads and cheeks and necks, sleepy, goofy smiles plastered to their faces. 

“Dean,” Cas said, suddenly turning serious. “Why didn’t you pray to me while I was in heaven?”

He trailed his finger over the tip of Cas’ ear. “I dunno, I just…I guess it hurt too much. To talk to you but never hear you back.”

Cas nodded, pensive. 

Dean continued, “And I thought that as much as it would suck for me, it would be worse for you with me talking in your ear and having no way to respond. I couldn’t handle that and I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that to you.”

Even with no lamps, Dean could see Cas’ look of utter adoration. “You are amazing. You know that? Don’t you ever think otherwise.”

It was difficult for Dean to hear that. Complements seemed so wrong when applied to him, but the last thing he would ever do is call Cas a liar.

“I guess I have to be to get someone like you,” he said, shifting closer.

Cas bowed his head till their foreheads touched and they lay still, breathing softly in the dark.

“Was it worth it?” Dean asked, breaking the silence. “Was this worth falling for?”

“Nothing could be worth more.”


End file.
